Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
