census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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