I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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