I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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