Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
