if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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