I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
