I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
