so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you had me at cake vodka
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
