My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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