my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
