the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
