i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
