Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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