i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
