I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
your room smells of hookers.
And success
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
