my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
