I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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