I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
not ubering you a puppy
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
