so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
