just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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