when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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