WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
