I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
