no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
