there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
