Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Everclear isn't food dammit
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize