Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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