I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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