3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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