Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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