Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
