They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
