Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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