Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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