My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
