I CAN MOONWALK!
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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