I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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