Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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