i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
