I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I touched a dick in church today
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
