New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
