Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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