So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
