We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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