i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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