just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
