They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
