Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
