I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
