eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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