My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
