drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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