Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize
